So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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