I wish my penis had an off switch
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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