apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
