Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My liver just had a heart attack.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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