what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
