and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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