don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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