are you still at the devil's house?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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