I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
