Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
