the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
