Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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