The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
