capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
