Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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