Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
