Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
