I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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