dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize