There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize