I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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