I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
