"it" just moved
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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