So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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