I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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