Me too!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
