my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
