who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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