I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize