the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
