i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
porn star boner night. come get it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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