He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Only a mothe r could love this liver
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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