FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
