I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
