yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
