There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
