hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
