I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
