you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
