Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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