see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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