He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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