His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
