Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
