I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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