She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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