i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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