I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
