i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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