If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
