i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize