did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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