i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
