there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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