there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
