So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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