my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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