Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
