got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
